


the only moment we were alone

by ikuzonos



Series: DR: TTNH Side Stories [5]
Category: DR: TTNH, Original Work
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Gen, Past Abuse, Post-Canon, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23601943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikuzonos/pseuds/ikuzonos
Summary: Hell is other people. Or one person in particular.TTNH Finale spoilers.
Relationships: Ishikawa Asuka & Kanagaki Kazue
Series: DR: TTNH Side Stories [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700629
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	the only moment we were alone

**Author's Note:**

> all the content warnings for this can really just be summed up with "Emi Nagano"

The roof of the main Synapse building was one of the most private locations in the entire facility. Almost nobody went up there, due to the frequent strong winds. Today, though, the air was still. Asuka supposed that it was for the best, considering it would be difficult to hold a conversation if she couldn’t hear anything.

And it was likely advantageous to the girl she was there to meet, as Asuka could see a lit cigarette hanging loosely from her fingers. She paused for a moment in the stairwell, watching her. Kazue had cut her hair since the last time they’d met.

Asuka hesitated. Despite initiating this discussion, she didn’t feel ready for it. She lingered in place, prepared to retreat back down into the building, when Kazue turned her head towards the stairs.

“Ah, you came.”

There was no backing out anymore. Asuka nodded and slowly approached her. Kazue crushed the cigarette in her hand and shoved it into the pocket of her jacket.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Asuka asked, sitting down on one of the benches that overlooked the city skyline.

Kazue shrugged and sat next to her. “Not enough for it to matter. Please… don’t tell anyone. Especially not Minoru.”

Asuka raised an eyebrow. “They don’t know?”

“I’m trying to quit before I have to tell them,” Kazue said, “But… I don’t think that’s what you wanted to talk about.”

Asuka nodded. “Not even close. I wanted to thank you for killing my mom.”

Kazue paused, then laughed softly.

“What’s so funny?” Asuka asked.

Kazue sighed. “Without context… That’s  _ quite _ the sentence.”

Asuka snorted. “Yeah, I guess. But I’m serious. I fucking hate her and she deserved it.”

Kazue looked out at the city. “I can agree. Nagano committed a series of unforgivable crimes, and she deserves to rot in jail when she awakens.”

“If she awakens,” Asuka muttered.

Kazue shrugged. “It’s likely. The rest of us managed to survive, and we all suffered more injuries than she did.”

Asuka said, “I know. It’s just… I never want to see her again. She abandoned me and did all this fuck shit here in Synapse. And she hurt you.”

Kazue didn’t reply to that.

“It’s weird that you know her better than I do,” Asuka muttered, looking up at the orange sky, “I mean, she’s my fucking  _ mother.” _

Kazue said, “I only knew her for two years.”

“Still!” Asuka said, “I barely remember anything about what she was like. And… and I know you do.”

Kazue sighed. “That I do. I worked directly under her. I was supposed to just be interning around the division, but I was essentially her personal assistant.”

Asuka rested her head on her arm. “I take it the job was more than getting her coffee and running her errands?”

Kazue closed her eyes. “So much more. While the show was still running, I hardly questioned it. But looking back on it all…”

Asuka bit her lip.

“I ran background checks on the participants of seasons fifty to fifty-three,” Kazue continued, “And on… all of you.”

Asuka’s throat tightened. “Oh. Well, I mean… that isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

“I had to ensure there would be no issues with the roster,” Kazue said, “For example, this time we had someone from one of the most influential families in the country, someone who did not legally exist, and… Nagano’s own child.”

“I take it the roster didn’t exactly change,” Asuka muttered.

Kazue shook her head. “I was added to it. That was the only edit. And Nagano herself personally approved the list, even after I presented my concerns.”

Asuka swallowed. “She knew it was me?”

“When she took the AI from my possession, I explicitly said she risked killing her own child,” Kazue said, “And she… Nagano…”

Asuka frowned. “What did she do?!”

Kazue said softly, “She plucked the flashdrive from my fingers and told me she didn’t have a daughter.”

Asuka rubbed her face. “Son of a bitch. I knew she never fucking cared about me, but... God damn it.”

Kazue was quiet for a moment. When she did speak, her voice was scratchy, “She called me your name once.”

Asuka blinked. “Wh-What the fuck?”

Kazue shrugged. “I didn’t know who you were at the time. But she was angry, and shouting at me… and your name just came out. When I asked her about it the next day, she pretended it had never happened.”

“Oh my god…” Asuka murmured.

“Actually, she acted like she’d never yelled at me at all,” Kazue said, “Nagano was always trying to make me out to be irrational. She would demean me until I cried, then refuse to acknowledge it.”

Asuka whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

Kazue said, “I deserved it. I deserved all of it. I’m a horrible person.”

“How does my mom treating you like shit make you a horrible person?!” Asuka replied, “That… that's emotional abuse! And that doesn't even get into everything _else_ you told me about!"  


Kazue closed her eyes. “You have no idea what else I was complicit in. I… I personally removed and altered the memories of three of you. Nagano wanted me to pick up that ‘skill.’”

Asuka said, “Look. I didn’t think you were horrible when I thought you had possibly committed war crimes. I mean, you were what, seventeen when all this happened?”

“About that, yes,” Kazue confirmed.

Asuka said, “So there. You were just being influenced by someone with an emotional hold on you.”

Kazue said, “I see. I still don’t know. I feel like I have to justify everything I went through. It all seems like my fault.”

“It’s not,” Asuka said, “I swear on my dad’s life.”

Kazue rubbed her eyes, looking ill. "I wanted her to love me."  


“I’m sorry,” Asuka said.

“Why are you apologizing?” Kazue asked.

Asuka murmured, “I don’t know. I feel like I have to. Because she’s my blood.”

Kazue said, “You’re nothing like her.”

They fell silent. The air around them was dry.

“I hate her,” Asuka said.

Kazue folded her arms, “I’m not sure if I do. Or if I’m capable of hating her.”

Asuka said, "I get it. I flip back and forth all the time. It's hard to hate someone that important to you."

"I don't even know if I'm _allowed_ to hate her," Kazue said, burying her face in her hands.

Asuka put a hand on her shoulder. "You are. I know it sounds fucking impossible, but you are more than allowed to hate her."

Kazue said, “I’m still struggling to process everything that happened. It’s only been a few months since I managed to get away from her.”

“And I’ve had ten years to figure it out,” Asuka mumbled.

Kazue sighed. “It’s difficult. I  _ want _ to hate Nagano. But I can’t figure out if I ever will. Because I deserved-”

Asuka cut her off, “You didn’t deserve any of what she did to you.”

Kazue replied, “How can you say that? There’s still so many horrible things I’ve done that you don’t know about.”

“What if it was me?” Asuka asked, “Put me in your place. Would I deserve it?”

“I know what you’re trying to do,” Kazue muttered, “It’s not going to work.”

Asuka sighed. “Worth a shot. But I mean it. I care about you, Kazue. You’re my friend. And I'm sorry for unearthing all this shit again."  


Kazue shrugged. "We both needed it."  


They didn’t speak for some time. Kazue flicked open a lighter and stared at the little flame, while Asuka watched the clouds move across the sky.

Eventually, Kazue said, “Shooting her was cathartic.”

“Yeah?” Asuka turned to her.

Kazue nodded. “I would do it again. It meant that she couldn’t hurt my friends any longer.”

“And she couldn’t hurt you either,” Asuka said.

Kazue laughed weakly, “I don’t know about that.”

Asuka scratched the bench they were sitting on. She could still see Kazue’s bloodstained smile as the pistol slipped from her fingers.

“I think I need to be alone for a bit,” Kazue admitted.

Asuka nodded and got to her feet. “Sure, I get it. Let me know if you need anything, though.”

Kazue smiled. “I will. Take care of yourself.”

Asuka said, “Same to you.”

She retreated to the stairwell, but paused to look back at the dark haired girl. Kazue had lit another cigarette, and had buried her face in her other hand.

Asuka lingered a moment longer, then slipped back into the Synapse building, just as the wind picked up again.


End file.
